i haven’t been this drained in a while…

so just a few minutes ago i had a terrible panic attack, hyperventilated, shaking the whole nine yards. my mom was the one that pushed me over the edge, big shocker there. these past few days have just been so over whelming. i found the kitten and my mom has been telling me probably a thousand times(not even kidding) about how we can’t keep him because hes going to be too much money, and shes not over our last cat and she doesn’t wanna have to clean up after him blah blah blah. then one of my best friends found out that her boyfriend got arrested and was in jail. then another friend got attacked by her boyfriend(she’s covered in bruises and he chocked her) so i was being a good friend and helping them out with that.

tonight my friend whose boyfriend was in jail is sleeping over and my mom was telling her like don’t be with him and all that kinda shit. so she made a phone call to him to figure out what was going on and my mom freaked out on me. she’s like i sat there for a hour talking to her which was a complete waste because she goes ahead and calls him anyways. so she was telling me that i had to bring her home, tell her to get off the phone, tell her to stop smoking. like i can’t control her, i dont fucking know what you want me to do?! so her thing is that she’ll be saying one thing then 2 seconds later say the complete opposite. for example, i was crying and freaking out and shes like oh please your life isn’t so bad, you’re being so dramatic so i was like really i never cry, i can’t cry and have a moment? then shes like no im not saying that at all, go ahead and cry it’s good to cry that’s fine. like wtf stop!!

i honestly can’t live with her anymore, she keeps going back and forth between things and just has driven me too far. i don’t know what she wants from me. i don’t know what else i can do so she’ll leave me alone. like i clean the house all the times, do the dishes, drive my brother, go grocery shopping, help take care of the animals, make dinner, help my brother with homework. like what the fuck else can i do. i just don’t know what she wants from me anymore. 

she always wanted me to tell her things about my life and about my friends and everything so i do and she throws it back in my face. like i don’t know what else i can do. i knew shit was gonna happen when i came home from school, like old shit that used to happen so i decided that i would try being nice and helping out more and sharing my life with her and it completely back fires. until she stops drinking and getting a hold on her life im done with her. no more in depth conversations anymore. she’s going to act like a 4 year old so im going to treat her that way. 

I GOT A KITTEN!!!

my dearest friend told me her friend found 2 kittens soo i got one! it’s absolutely adorable, it’s black and had a lil white. not sure if it’s a boy or girl yet…

i still don’t know if i should/can keep it. my parents have fallen in love with it but there’s sooo much work and money that goes into owning a little baby. we can barely afford the pets we have now, so idk?!?!!

so i went out with my friend today and all day she was talking about how shes sooo obese, naturally im gonna be like ha yeah me too. only this time she freaked out on me and was like omg youre not fat, you’re skinny, what’s your weight that’s normal blah blah blah. like ok fine. i see myself as fat, im not ok with my body, just like you. i don’t know why she doesn’t get it yet. and then to make matters worse i looked at old pictures of myself from sophomore year from when i thought i was actually skinny. ha wow was i far from that.